Waiting

I hate waiting. And in most things I would not consider myself a patient person. But the funny thing about learning patience is that you don’t really have a choice. Usually the reason you are waiting is because you can’t do anything. We are accustomed to getting what we want, when we want it. I am not sure if that’s just an American mentality, or just basic to everyone. But I think times like that that are some of the most frustrating times in life. That is the situation I feel like I am in now.

After coming to Ethiopia for my internship, I expected to work as hard as I could to make a difference and be a part of saving peoples live. (That of course is the exaggeration of my mind). However, that is not the current reality. My current situation looks nothing like that. I am definitely in a time of waiting now. After all the expectations to “do something” and “make a difference”, it is a harsh reality to be in a place where I can do nothing but sit and wait. In fact, it’s been over two weeks of waiting. Waiting to find out what is going to happen with the situation here. Waiting to go on with the process and get the verdict. These last two weeks have been full of ups and downs, not knowing what the next day will be like. One day we think we will leave, the next we are convinced we are staying. Its physically mundane and emotionally a roller coaster. The other interns and I literally spent an entire week thinking “this is probably our last day here”. Then 24 hours later we realize nothing has changed, we are in the same situation saying the same thing, waiting for more direction and clarity.

All I want right now is closure. I am the point where I feel I don’t even care what happens, what the verdict is, I just want an answer so I can get on with my life. Times like this make me realize how hard it is to live in the here and now, in the waiting in the confusion, in the unknown. Because in the waiting, doubts rise to the service. I can do nothing but sit and trust God. And often the holes in my trust and faith come to the surface.

It seems much easier to trust God when we live life at normal speed. We have a direction and some clarity and a general idea of the future. We have some sort of purpose. (Even if it is small.) Times of waiting are not that simple. Often there is no direction, no clarity, and no idea of what the future holds. It’s the times when we have absolutely no idea what is happening. We feel as if we are not going anywhere. In fact we are literally stagnant; maybe emotionally or physically. There is little we can do to change the situation. Most people usually just say “just wait it out”. I don’t know if that is a very comforting thing. First, who knows how long that waiting will be? Second, there is no guarantee that the outcome will be better.

But I realized something the other day. God is in the silence. He is in the quiet and the waiting just as much as he is in the “normal times”. Realizing this does not of course change the fact that I have to wait, but it is a different perspective. It’s a perspective that changes the thoughts off of me and my future and focuses it on God and His plans.

I am convinced waiting is one of Gods favorite ways to build people into who He wants them to be. I know He does it with me. And I know He does it with other people. Just look at the Old Testament. Whether it is forty days in the dessert or forty years, God has people wait. And it’s in the waiting that He readjusts our perspective. His timing is never ours. He is so much more patience. And he is much more concerned with our character than what we can “do” for Him.

Sometimes we need to just rest. Waiting can actually be a joy rather than a burden when we use the time to focus on God and just enjoy His presence. And there is joy in His presence. God is a God who gives rest. But we so easily become anxious to do something. As if we need to earn His love. Why can’t we just rest and enjoy Him? He wants to love us. Waiting is not meant to be a punishment, but rather an opportunity and a joy to experience God more intimately.

I guess what I am saying is that in times of waiting, which I am well acquainted with now, the best thing do is enjoy His presence. What a blessing! How excellent is His presence. I realize more and more that I have only scratched the surface of how powerful and amazing and satisfying the presence of God is. Spending more alone time with Him has not given me any more answers, but it has given me comfort that He is good. He is with me. He has a plan and He is in control.

I am seeing more and more that God is a God of love. His loves to pour his love on us. His goal is not to take our love, but to give love. (After all we really have nothing to give in the first place. He is the only one who can really give anything, since after all, everything belongs to Him and is from Him.) Sometimes when we have no direction, He just wants us to step back from our normal life and just let Him love us, and enjoy Him. It is those times where we draw close in intimacy with Him. It is a strengthening for our future. And I have found that I cannot help but want to praise Him the more time I spend with Him and realize how great He is.